Disclaimer: The following post is satire; an appropriate reaction to what occurred during the main event of UFC on ESPN 1.
“Proof of a trickster god”
UFC 257: Poirier vs. McGregor 2 is this Saturday!
Stream every fight live on ESPN+ starting from 10 pm ET.
- Main event: Poirier vs. McGregor 2
- Co-main event: Hooker vs. Chandler
In a powerful rebuke to critics who predicted he’d injure himself before the fight, Cain Velasquez fought 26 seconds of his contractual bout before injuring his knee.
Longtime fan Maria Rodriguez of Dallas, Texas describes the event in detail.
“After the Vick vs. Felder fight, I planned to watch Family Guy off the TiVo. I mean, my ESPN app will just tell me Cain tore his ACL talking to a reporter. But I got to the first commercial break and knew something was wrong.”
Her phone lay silent. No breaking headline lit up the screen.
“I turned back to ESPN and I scarcely believed it. There was Cain! Walking! On his feet!”
At this point, a teary-eyed Maria simply pointed to the sky and refused further comments. Luckily, a pre-fight interview with AKA head coach Javier Mendez clued us into the mechanics behind the miracle.
“You don’t get a killer like Cain Velasquez to make it to the cage without serious preparation. It was tough, but we got him to agree to some preventative measures. Whenever he’s home, he wears thigh-high boots filled with hot water and Epsom salt. It’s why his joints are so loose and his shins are baby-soft. We tried to get Cain to wear them into the ring as well, but Dana walked in on us and said what we had done was an ‘affront to nature’. So we only use it during camps.”
Francis Ngannou was equally surprised at having to fight.
“I asked for this fight two years ago, but I assume the fight falls through. I was surprised to see him walking at the weigh-ins, but in the Octagon itself? I thought a ghost stood across from me.”
Surprised as he was, Ngannou suspects his punching power contributed mightily to the finish.
“My friends learned to answer the door the first time I knock. Because if I knock too many times, it’s less a ‘door’ and more ‘hurricane debris’. On Cain’s head, I knocked twice.”
But in a crowded bar in Cincinnati Ohio, Kishan Patel weeps. It’s not the tears of joy of his fellow patrons, who ooh and aah over the replays of Cain impersonating James Brown. No, his face runs wet with bitter pain.
“He could have been the best. He had the chin, the heart, and the cardio and he’ll never fight again for something that isn’t his fault. His dream, an achievable dream is out forever. Cain is now less a GOAT and more of a meme.”
For all his earnestness, Kishan is in the minority. To his left and right, men and women beam with pride. They can tell their kids the day they saw Cain wait till he got in the cage before blowing out his knee. A half minute of legend.
Back to Reality
As previously stated, this is a work of satire. We here at The Body Lock take our shots, but we’ve always remained classy.
Cain is a man who revolutionized heavyweight. Rather than rely on overwhelming strength or bone-crunching power, Cain focused on cardio and pace. Stipe Miocic fought his way to UFC heavyweight GOAT status using that same blueprint.
The barely concealed despair in Dominick Cruz’s voice when he stated that Cain blew out his knee almost made us nauseous. Like Derrick Rose, we joke about his frequent injuries but always wish him the best in the end. And instead, we may never see him fight again. Even if he does, can the defensively challenged Cain survive heavyweight hitting power with compromised movement?
We don’t know. But we hope that the path forward is a bright one for him.
A fight is like wood carving; multifaceted, beautiful and it'll leave you hurting if you get thrown into one. I have puns like perforated edges: tear-able.